The Inconvenient Badger
It is that time again. No, not That Time Of The Month, as I hardly develop hateful feelings during That Time. But there is a point where I start feeling contemptuous and all twisty again. I can't quite put a finger as to how I have the capacity to develop such horrid feelings. Besides the fact that I am a Horrid Girl.
Well, so I have made a list. It could only be one of these things; Bunk beds - I fucking hate bunk beds, what am I? 9? Coming out with the right things to say only when I feel like it, and eventually resolving matters. You're happy... I'm not. Quite. People telling me to 'Just be nice.' What am I? 9? I get sent to fucking law school and made to go through this embarrassing education in law just to be told that any way to fix something is to 'Be Nice' ??? And on the other hand, being told to grow up is not a really nice thing to say. In fact it is Not A Nice Thing To Say At All. If only you knew that I am trying so hard to. I'm not failing miserably in the growing up bit but I'm not exactly all fine and dandy either. IT IS HARD, period. And waiting. I know I make people wait all the time (like now and omg you are going to see this), but I never figured why I am so impatient. When I was in elementary school, I threw away my green bean experiment because it didn't sprout immediately - and so I failed Science. Even now, I don't see much difference in how I handle things. I just throw them away again and swallow that regret and horrid pain I frighteningly feel when I want it back again.
So there. It's frightening how I seldom get angry with my mother or even develop that tiny bit of rebellious crap or that nervous, secretive bit that goes for not-telling-mothers-about-your-current-affairs-of-the-heart that I am pretty sure most people feel. But no, I have to cleverly tell her everything. Hello, stupid and rescue! As for The Affair Of The Heart, I cannot churn out the things you want to hear now because my shoulders are too heavy. I apologise for this inconvenience. No, do not try again later or anytime soon because this comtemptuous phase will pass like how the cold turns my breath into clouds as I walk home from the gym.
We were blind when we needed to see and it leans on me like a rootless tree. So,
Well, so I have made a list. It could only be one of these things; Bunk beds - I fucking hate bunk beds, what am I? 9? Coming out with the right things to say only when I feel like it, and eventually resolving matters. You're happy... I'm not. Quite. People telling me to 'Just be nice.' What am I? 9? I get sent to fucking law school and made to go through this embarrassing education in law just to be told that any way to fix something is to 'Be Nice' ??? And on the other hand, being told to grow up is not a really nice thing to say. In fact it is Not A Nice Thing To Say At All. If only you knew that I am trying so hard to. I'm not failing miserably in the growing up bit but I'm not exactly all fine and dandy either. IT IS HARD, period. And waiting. I know I make people wait all the time (like now and omg you are going to see this), but I never figured why I am so impatient. When I was in elementary school, I threw away my green bean experiment because it didn't sprout immediately - and so I failed Science. Even now, I don't see much difference in how I handle things. I just throw them away again and swallow that regret and horrid pain I frighteningly feel when I want it back again.
So there. It's frightening how I seldom get angry with my mother or even develop that tiny bit of rebellious crap or that nervous, secretive bit that goes for not-telling-mothers-about-your-current-affairs-of-the-heart that I am pretty sure most people feel. But no, I have to cleverly tell her everything. Hello, stupid and rescue! As for The Affair Of The Heart, I cannot churn out the things you want to hear now because my shoulders are too heavy. I apologise for this inconvenience. No, do not try again later or anytime soon because this comtemptuous phase will pass like how the cold turns my breath into clouds as I walk home from the gym.
We were blind when we needed to see and it leans on me like a rootless tree. So,
posted by delfinaaa | 1:26 AM
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