you and whose army?

you know how this works.

2007-08-21T02:45:00.000-07:00

I am wondering when the hell am I going to get a good week because right now I am getting accustomed to this bad week(ssss) arrangement. And I keep losing things on top of that. The first week the bad weeks started happening, I lost that mother-daughter distance immunity mechanism. The one where you shut up about things you don't know about your mother but you strangely don't mind it being that way. Some people never lose it in fact. I don't know whether that is a good thing or not. Then the following week, I don't know what happened and why and how but I lost a friend but that bit still remains a grey area so I have nothing to explain or present or defend. And this week I lost something more tangible, my pencil case and my student ID and my USB and my Shaker pencil which I highly prize. Normally I'm not a very careless person so this makes me mad. As to the other weeks, I'm not usually a reckless person and I would like to believe that on both circumstances I was being tactful and as truthful as I could stretch myself to be.

On top of things going helter skelter, I am starting to think there is something slightly wrong with me.

The End

PS If you responsible for giving me this bad week curse hoodoo voodoo, I think I may really hate you. I am sorry I don't believe in you but I have hateful feelings and it's a sin? I want more than this and it's a sin? I sleep too much and sometimes find it extremely hard to get out of bed and start the day and it's sin? Then again, I should not have to explain why I don't believe. Same goes for faith. You're not supposed to question it, just believe. Fair enough.

I am so angry.
!!!

Spelling everything out.

2007-07-26T23:06:00.000-07:00

Things have changed, it doesn't take a dimwit to know that. However what a dimwit might not know is that I am not happy about that.

I realised that I have a talent for being MIA. If you do not know what it means, it stands for Missing In Action, okay? And of course I do not mean it literally. This has incidentally become one of my weaknesses (full of it, pffft). I am that person who doesn't call, never believed in "Lets keep in touch!" and well, I'm just always missing. Not that I like it really. Sometimes I sit down and in one of those rare occasions realise what an amazingly horrible person I am but I get over it. Accumulation of the same sort of feelings they call it. This doesn't reflect very nicely on how I was brought up sadly because my own mother has never been able to fathom why I turned out as such. She and the rest of my siblings aren't as cold and indifferent most of the time. Moving away from the family, I know that this slight problem has nothing to do with them.

I strongly dislike Friendster and Facebook and one of those virtual social network things simply because it requires some degree of commitment to keep in touch with friends, from the present and past. Strangely enough, it seems like a hostile idea to me. I deleted Friendster after I left high school for the stated reasons. You see, unlike what they say; that history is just one fucking thing after another, I dissent and maintain that all events and periods and phases are detached entities and should arguably stay that way.

The only thing that has managed to etch into my head from the last weeks or so was sitting in a lecture and hearing the lecturer say that one of the faltering traits of the legal profession and means and ways of pursuing it (the law education included) is that it gradually changes you to be more conservative. I am not quite sure about what to say about that but the thought scares me.

I find it increasingly comfortable and reassuring being stuck in the Law library alone and it is raining outside. As the nice lady who drew blood from me a week ago said, somehow unconsciously I do like to punish myself. It's nice being alone with my books here but it won't hurt to talk to nice people. I have met a lot of nice people in my life I've realised but the only slight problem is that they don't stay around. Today could possibly be the day that I have spoken the least.

I hate change because I start to change. Fuck.

But I never lied when I was 17. I've only started now.

i don't want to see you as the next in line.

2007-06-20T09:27:00.000-07:00

I love grey days like these. It's always nice to be indoors in such weather. The exams being over makes it even more perfect.

I was lying down listening to Maps by the Yeah Yeah Yeahs and have decided that it shall be my Theme Song for the 2007 Exams, Semester 1. Then, 2006, Semester 2 Theme Song started playing and I became sad again. Today was a funny and happy and sad day. I thought that I would be struggling to focus during the exam prior to what happened before I entered the hall but no, I was all right, the paper was all right and heck it even smelt good, where I was sitting (the previous papers, I have been stuck in BO Zone or something and I am very fearful and intolerable of BO). Then again, I am highly skilled in focussing when it is time to which includes pushing everything and everyone aside. But I cannot deny that I was a tad bit distracted throughout the first essay I was writing. But that's all right....I suppose.

Wow. I am really not enthusiastic about home this time. Somewhere, I am subconsciously thinking up of 1001 Ways of Missing A Plane. There's not much to see and do, not much that I can give over there and I know for a fact that there is nothing to offer me over there. Wow. Still not enthusiastic.

Sometimes I think I am too idealistic.

So that's why / I won't wake you where you lie
If I could now / I'd freeze time
I can't find forever in your eyes,
I should leave you while they're dry.

I heard from somebody who heard you say

2007-06-13T21:26:00.000-07:00

"She's funny, sweet and kind. Difficult and harsh sometimes but she gets me. The fights, the things we say when we are... but it's all worth it in the end. And it may be winter where she is but it's always winter here; until she calls and says 'hello' in her million different accents."

HAHA so cheesy! And juvenile! And tacky! And shoddy! And to an extent, dodgy! (Why didn't you tell me when I asked what you said!) But in a nice pull-shirt-over-heater-after-every-five-minutes-of-studying (TRY IT!) way. (:

3 more!

Rock Steady and Crazy Hippie Fools - Part I

2007-06-09T08:23:00.000-07:00

I reckon I will do something like this again so here's Part I of the series.

10 of The Worst Songs in Music History

1. (Love Is) Thicker Than Water - Andy Gibb (from that annoying yappy brothers band which warrants a Top 10 Stupid Band Names title)

Love is like the wind/Love is the fire that keeps me going/Love is a breath of fresh air... yeah yeah okay, I get it.
But love is thicker than water?!?! Water; transparent and filling up anything you pour it into and not being to hold it with your hands and wet and all that. Water?!?!
Fair enough, wind/fire/air - you've got all your elements there... You crazy hippie fool!

2. Xanadu - Olivia Newton John

What? Is that the neighbouring third world country of Kokomo?

3. Sometimes - Britney Spears

You want to run, you want to hide, you're SCARED but all you really want is to hold him tight?

MAKE UP YOUR MIND WOMAN! But awww it is Britney Spears after all, damn. If it wasn't for Trent... but hey I Understand.

4. Making Love Out Of Nothing At All - Air Supply

I love Air Supply and all but

I can make the run or stumble,
I can make the final block;
And I can make every tackle, at the sound of the whistle,
I can make all the stadiums rock.
I can make tonight forever,
Or I can make it disappear by the dawn;
And I can make you every promise that has ever been made,
And I can make all your demons be gone.

Huh. Love is football, I am your football superstar. Mygodddddddddddd.

5. Space Cowboy (Yippi-Yiy-Yay)

I don't know where to start.
- Here it comes, Millenia/And everybody's talking about Jerusalem HAHAHAHA Whaaaaaaat is that supposed to mean?
- Space Cowboys...??? You crazy hippie fools!

Yeah I went to find the worst photo ever.

You know why Justin Timberlake is so super cool now? The stint in *NSYNC was too cruel and painful and painfully and cruelly embarrassing. It's called reputation, man.

6. Milkshake - Kelis

Erm, I think I'll stick to soy milk, thanks.

7. Barbie Girl - Aqua

You can touch, you can play, undress me everywhere... Oh God forbid.

Which is funny cos Janice, Justina and me heard this song today and we realised just how wrong it was. Wow. So, so wrong.

Cool! Look at Justin Timberlake from NSYNC!

8. L-O-V-E - Ashlee Simpson

Okay, she's talking about Lolololove. Now, what is that? Oh, that's just the way my sister speaks. But then again, half of what your younger sister listens to is trash anyway. Plus Ashlee sounds like a man in that song. And I don't suppose anyone would feel 'Love' from listening to the song.

9. Lips Of An Angel - Hinder

He is such a poseur, seriously. And stop blaming the girl in the next room! 'Sometimes I wish she was you' ?!?! I KILL YOU UNTIL YOU DIE! Ummm. I digress. Not that I suffer from these issues but this song just makes me so angry!

10. You're Beautiful - James Blunt

If our mothers know how to sing the song in falsetto and know for a fact that it was 'fucking high' and not 'flying high' (?!?!), then this song is so WRONG.

Part II coming soon!

Tiny Little Fractures

2007-06-06T06:57:00.000-07:00

Symmetry is such a lovely thing. Who remembers the urge to complete everything half-done that you come across? A half coloured picture, or a half drawn sketch. And against better judgment, even things there are already whole. Then again, the whole theme of Completeness (or Incompleteness) is relevant to everyone.

When did you start feeling complete? How did you find out you were incomplete in the first place? Some people make it through life being messy anyway. We all look so desperate, showing guidance that we lack. And then we all get so wistful, thinking it is safer to hold back. We might not need help after all if we live in our heads.

So, are we here to go find what completes us? Because I am starting to see the ghosts of this game of hide and seek that I gave up too early.

But no. We’re nearly there.

Where will you look for me?

all we can do is keep breathing.

2007-06-02T04:59:00.000-07:00

I lied.
I want you to ~~change~~ save me.

but these places and faces are getting old.

2007-05-29T06:59:00.000-07:00

You're my happy now.

do not speak as loud as my heart.

2007-05-27T12:11:00.000-07:00

Come up to meet you,
Tell you I'm sorry,
You don't know how lovely you are,
I had to find you,
Tell you I need you,
Tell you I set you apart,
Tell me your secrets,
And ask me your questions,
Ah let's go back to the start,
Running in circles,
Calling tails, heads on a silence apart.

Nobody said it was easy,
It's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be this hard,
Oh take me back to the start.

I was just guessing,
At numbers and figures,
Pulling the puzzles apart,
Questions of science,
Science and progress,
Did not speak as loud as my heart,
Tell me you love me,
Come back and haunt me,
I want to rush to the start,
Running in circles,
Chasing tails,
Coming back as we are.

Nobody said it was easy,
Oh it's such a shame for us to part,
Nobody said it was easy,
No one ever said it would be so hard,
I'm going back to the start.

Everytime I hear this song, something inside me breaks a little. I could never get over this song.

You don't know how lovely you are.

The Inconvenient Badger

2007-05-17T01:26:00.000-07:00

It is that time again. No, not That Time Of The Month, as I hardly develop hateful feelings during That Time. But there is a point where I start feeling contemptuous and all twisty again. I can't quite put a finger as to how I have the capacity to develop such horrid feelings. Besides the fact that I am a Horrid Girl.

Well, so I have made a list. It could only be one of these things; Bunk beds - I fucking hate bunk beds, what am I? 9? Coming out with the right things to say only when I feel like it, and eventually resolving matters. You're happy... I'm not. Quite. People telling me to 'Just be nice.' What am I? 9? I get sent to fucking law school and made to go through this embarrassing education in law just to be told that any way to fix something is to 'Be Nice' ??? And on the other hand, being told to grow up is not a really nice thing to say. In fact it is Not A Nice Thing To Say At All. If only you knew that I am trying so hard to. I'm not failing miserably in the growing up bit but I'm not exactly all fine and dandy either. IT IS HARD, period. And waiting. I know I make people wait all the time (like now and omg you are going to see this), but I never figured why I am so impatient. When I was in elementary school, I threw away my green bean experiment because it didn't sprout immediately - and so I failed Science. Even now, I don't see much difference in how I handle things. I just throw them away again and swallow that regret and horrid pain I frighteningly feel when I want it back again.

So there. It's frightening how I seldom get angry with my mother or even develop that tiny bit of rebellious crap or that nervous, secretive bit that goes for not-telling-mothers-about-your-current-affairs-of-the-heart that I am pretty sure most people feel. But no, I have to cleverly tell her everything. Hello, stupid and rescue! As for The Affair Of The Heart, I cannot churn out the things you want to hear now because my shoulders are too heavy. I apologise for this inconvenience. No, do not try again later or anytime soon because this comtemptuous phase will pass like how the cold turns my breath into clouds as I walk home from the gym.

We were blind when we needed to see and it leans on me like a rootless tree. So,

walking after you, no?

2007-04-30T02:45:00.000-07:00

Have you ever thought about what protects our hearts?
Just a cage of rib bones and other various parts.
So it's fairly simple to cut right through the mess.
And to stop the muscle that makes us confess.

We are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable, girls and boys.

You fasten my seatbelt because it is the law.
In your two ton death trap I finally saw.
A piece of love in your face that bathed me in regret.
Then you drove me to places I'll never forget.

And we are so fragile,
And our cracking bones make noise,
And we are just,
Breakable, breakable, breakable girls and boys.
Ingrid Michaelson - Breakable

"you always seem to give me another try."

ouch. i'm sorry.

don't bangla with me!

2007-04-29T21:47:00.000-07:00

very random post. janice is late. rushing around now. trying to catch 3.15 shuttle bus. justina is the total opposite. lying on the bed.
i think i am in-between.

Things Delfina is thinking about now:
1) there are people in my head who go Hey! when i'm sleeping.
2) messy state of love affairs? i didn't start them.
3) car accidents and tomato sauce blood
4) just need to get closer, closer/lean on me now, lean on me now.
5) how the heck did i get into law school. bodoh atau stupid!

i haven't read anything life-changing in a while and i want to. i wish i could write something life-changing for myself to make myself happy. but i'm not very good in that, yes? didn't your mother tell you depending on other people to make you happy is stupid or bodoh!

i do well in something and do very badly in something else. naturally.
didn't your mother tell you bodoh or stupid people go to hell!

okay have to go! sorry for the lack of thought in this entry. (or all the time)

in your future, where would i be?

2007-04-22T09:31:00.000-07:00

i'm just hoping that when you wake your exam-facts-crammed head tomorrow morning you will think of me and read this. well if not, i'll just call you and recite it out. like i always do when you tell me to 'just say it' but i digress again..

i'm still thinking now if you don't know. still thinking of the words to say so this will come out the best way possible. so after next week you are totally done with school forever. and while you are super excited and stoked about the next chapter after uni, i am really quite nervous. because things will change and you will too which will make me change too. not like you haven't but that's for another century or so.. but just so you know i'm really proud of you and that i care (a lot, as a matter of fact) even if i laugh a lot on the phone and make you feel that i don't and say 'you know!' a lot when you don't and i don't know a lot about How Things Work in our situation. but i am proud of you. and i care. and while almost everything feels like a waste of time, you don't.
so all the best for your exams tomorrow and next week and after that and after that and many after thats that i hope to be part of. (:

would you love me when i'm not myself?

2007-04-17T10:22:00.000-07:00

i won't. i hate people who forget their roots. you acquire an accent and what? you're one of them now. sometimes i think people just forget to think. and i hate people who try to start a faux intellectual chitchat. i mean, save it! i make you feel stupid, you feel stupid, i feel stupid for talking to you, you change the subject, we all become stupid! and i am deathly afraid of Stupid...

think!
and listen. not only people forget to, they don't at all. and that is quite sad.

this entry is all about hateful things. but i'm not hateful, no. but sometimes (more often than not), things have a way of creeping under my skin and REALLY ANNOYING THE SODDING SHIT OUT OF ME. i don't know why i let it but it does.

and sometimes (more often than not-especially in recent times), i find something that make me smile and feel at ease again. like KFC, and red/blue headbands, and loving school because there is no school, and talking to (semi-)famous people and not really running around berserk cos i have a paper due on the 24th........ well maybe i should start.

all right then, goodnight world!

we all miss home.

worn me down.

2007-04-01T02:26:00.000-07:00

Carlton Gardens.

i find it extremely hard to be comprehendible right now. i find that i feel that a lot with you.

I'll buy a magazine searching for your face,
From coast to coast, or whatever I find my place,
I'll track you on the radio,
And I'll sign your list in a different name.
But as close as I come to you,
It's not the same.

So, I will head out alone and hope for the best,.
We can pat ourselves on the back and say that we tried.
And if one of us makes it big,
We can spill our regrets,
And talk about how the love never dies,
But you and I know the reason why
I'm gone, and you're still there.

i don't feel like i like you too much today. you didn't make me feel very happy.

this is one for the good days

2007-03-25T20:01:00.000-07:00

hello monday, hello new week.
the weekend went by so quickly. too fast i might add. and there 3 people to blame for that; Janice, Justina and Grace-yyy. i will never eat grapefruit, listen to Hellogoodbye/Gwen Stefani/Gym Class Heroes/Beyonce/Nelly Furtado/Justin Timberlake/Spice Girls, eat cereal+soymilk, speak singlish, eat 'black' bread without thinking about them, really. although i have to say Janice gets the line of the weekend. i cannot remember the last time i was so comfortable around anyone but my mother and family.

the people who make life and the sorts and 'growing up' (a bit too late but everyone starts late anyway) bearable:

something tells me i'm into something good.

i keep telling myself time doesn't matter, it doesn't. but sometimes you make me feel like it does. and when you say things like that, i start to think that we should just go slow, slower, slowly or whatever. you say beautiful, really beautiful things nonetheless but it'll just lose its meaning. and i hate losing things, and i might even hate it more if i lose you for that matter. you may not feel like it is too fast but i still have a lot to catch up on, a lot of growing up to do and a lot to learn.
"I was in love once. I think love is a bit of heaven. When I was in love I thought about that girl so much I felt like I was going to die and it was beautiful, and she loved me, too, or atleast she said she did, and we were not about ourselves, we were about each other, and that is what I mean when I say being in love is a bit of heaven. When I was in love I hardly thought of myself; I thought of her and how beautiful she looked and whether or not she was cold and how I could make her laugh. It was wonderful because I forgot my problems. I owned her problems instead, and her problems seemed romantic and beautiful. When I was in love there was somebody in the world who was more important than me, and that, given all that happened at the fall of man, is a miracle, like something god forgot to curse."

like a breath of fresh air.

2007-03-23T17:13:00.000-07:00

sometimes i find places like these and i am torn between taking a picture or just standing there, taking in the place and promise to myself that i will find places like these again. but i forget, and so do the places and too many of such moments have passed so here is how i remember (:

Bali

i said that it was a good dream in a good sleep. but you said it was waking up from sleep and that breath of fresh air from sleeping too long. i don't know why but i like your analogies better.

And the sun was wondering
If it should
Stay away for a day
'Til the feeling went away

hey ho let's go!

2007-03-21T16:47:00.000-07:00

ok blog. cool. this is where i stop thinking so much (and saving time from all the bloody useless thinking in classes - and staring at socks for that matter) and start writing. i hope i maintain this 'project' and i really have to bathe now because i am going to justina's soon.